


only seeing myself when i'm looking up at you

by orphan_account



Series: blue neighbourhood-inspired one shots [2]
Category: One Direction(band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-19
Updated: 2016-04-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 03:59:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6595774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Of course, Harry expected for Niall to kiss him and cuddle him; that's what you're supposed to do after fucking, right? What Niall really did was clean himself, put on his clothes and left the room without giving Harry another word, let alone a kiss.</p><p>And it hurt so, <em>so</em> badly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	only seeing myself when i'm looking up at you

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Troye Sivan's "BLUE"! Apologies for any grammatical mistakes.

He fumbles with his hands for a long time; weddings are boring to him. Sure, it's all about the _binding of two people’s souls_ and whatnot, but the ceremony itself is dull and he can't wait for it to be over.

He looks over to his right; his mother is sobbing buckets into a piece of silk cloth, and Harry can't help but laugh silently. His sister stands a few meters away from him in a long (and very layered) sparkly white dress. Her hair is perfectly woven into an intricate bun with a loose strand in front of her face. She wears a smile that never dulls, as well as her soon-to-be husband stands directly in front of her.

“You may kiss the bride,” the pastor says, and Gemma quickly forces her lips upon James’, her grin never fading.

Even from here, Harry could see the small tears dripping off his sister’s face, and he groans. Love is quite interesting, and Harry thinks that when he experiences it, he doesn't want to be crying onto a perfectly _make-upped_ face or a nice white suit. Gemma and James obviously think otherwise.

 

>

 

“First graduating and now marriage,” Gemma says with a grin. “When will you actually do something before I get to do it?”

“Look who became a millionaire first,” Harry snaps back playfully, and Gemma rolls her eyes.

“Well, I'm sorry I couldn't be in a _world-renowned girl band_ when I was sixteen. At that age, I was doing things like schoolwork, or, you know, _passing my classes_.”

“Shut up,” Harry scoffs, shoving her shoulder with his softly. “Can't believe the other boys couldn't show up.”

“They're all doing their own thing during the hiatus, Harry,” Gemma replies, but her smile turns small and sad. “I understand why they couldn't make it, but at least Niall did.”

Harry visibly stiffens at the mention of Niall. The reception started more than an hour ago(after Gemma’s family and James’ family and a few friends introduced non-natives to the town) and Gemma has found some time to talk with her little brother. Ever since the reception started, Harry has been avoiding Niall entirely.

It is not a secret that the two had somewhat of a _fling_ during their last tour. That was obvious to many of One Direction’s fans(excluding those who believed in _Louis and Harry’s secret relationship_ , of course), although they never publicly announced it or said anything on social media. They were just a bit touchy-feely onstage and shared a few kisses off stage and off camera. No big deal.

At least, it was no big deal to Niall and still isn't, as it appears.

What is a big deal is that it's a big deal to Harry, because he's been having this stupid schoolgirl crush on Niall for years! He hates that he and Niall’s relationship—whether romantic or not—means more to him than his relationship to any of the other boys. Harry hates that he puts Niall on a pedestal and _worships the ground he steps on_ and Niall can barely give him a second glance after the end of their last tour.

And now, he's hating that he can spot Niall’s face in any crowd no matter the size.

Right now, he's talking to Gemma—who had moved over to him after Harry completely zoned out while talking to her—laughing like he usually does. _Such a bright smile_ , Harry thinks. _And his laugh is contagious. It's like he brightens up a room every single time he speaks._

Harry tells himself to make the first move, because it's clear that Niall is too prideful to do it himself(or the blond is oblivious, that could be possible, too). He takes a deep breath, downs whatever alcohol his hands can grab, and walks over to where Niall is standing.

“I couldn't say anything, of course!” Niall exclaims, telling another story from all the places he's been spending time in during the hiatus. “There was a spider on her head and she was giving instructions about safety to all the people on the flight. A bunch of other people noticed, too, and—”

“Hi,” Harry stammers out, and Gemma widens her eyes at Harry’s sudden appearance.

“I think I'll go find James,” Gemma trails off. “Probably downing drinks at the bar…”

Then she leaves the two, her dress trailing behind her in a sea of glittery, lacey white.

Niall breathes out loudly, looking to his left and putting his hands in his pockets. The look on his face is a face that Harry knows all too well; it's Niall's _help, this is so awkward, get me out of here!_ face.

“What city were you in?” Harry starts, chewing his lip. “You know, before you flew to Cheshire.”

“Hanoi,” Niall breathes out, biting the ends of his nails like he always does. “It's in Vietnam.”

“I don't think that's how you pronounce it,” Harry says with a smile, then mentally cringes at his poor attempt to break the tension.

Niall elicits a dry laugh. “Well, I'm not exactly Vietnamese, am I?”

“Guess not,” Harry says, and the topic has died quickly. “Erm… Have you seen any of the boys?”

“Not yet,” Niall admits. “Might be going to see Louis and Freddie next month or the month after, though. Liam’s joining us, I think—”

“Why hasn't Louis told me about this?” Harry asks defensively, squinting at Niall. Niall laughs, and it sounds like an angelic chorus to Harry’s ears. A smile spreads across his face.

“Suppose you should read the group chat more often,” Niall remarks, rolling his eyes playfully like the Niall Harry loves. “You know, the One Direction group chat with your best mates?”

“Right,” Harry says. “I think I muted that a while ago…”

“Why did you do that?” Niall exclaims.

“Well, Louis constantly sending things like—” Harry pauses to pull out his phone, unlocking it and clicking on the group chat. “ _Oi, how do you calm a crying baby?_ , _Who wants to be little lad’s favorite uncle?_ , and my personal favorite, _Fun fact: baby shit smells like Liam after a venue_.”

Niall laughs again and says, “Don't forget Liam’s constant replies, swear to God that man is always on his phone or cuddling his dog.”

“Seems like it's been years since we’ve seen each other,” Harry says, the amusement in his voice fading. “That's too long for me.”

“Traveling the world and actually seeing the sights… I can't really stay in one place for a long time,” Niall says.

“Well, maybe you should meet up with your best mates every once in awhile,” Harry retorts, his body stiffening again.

“We've spent a solid five years together,” Niall snaps. “I think I can travel the world by myself, thanks.”

“I'm just saying you should've stopped to meet with one of us,” Harry replies, biting his lip while his voice becomes quiet. “You should've seen me, at least.”

“I don't put you on a throne, Harry,” Niall says angrily. _Ouch._ As soon as Harry’s expression plummets, Niall’s face softens. “Sorry, that came out ruder than intended.”

“You've been ignoring ever since…” Harry starts but trails off; he's sure they both are well aware if what he's referring to.

“I shagged my best mate and you're expecting me to act normally around you?”

Harry can't reply because he can feel tears rimming his eyes as he remembers that night, a blissful night that had one too many consequences the morning after. Niall had already pulled out of him, flopping beside him. Sweat glistened on his bare body as the only thing that could be heard was the hard pants from the two. Of course, Harry expected for Niall to kiss him and cuddle him; that's what you're supposed to do after fucking, right? What Niall really did was clean himself, put on his clothes and left the room without giving Harry another word, let alone a kiss.

And it hurt so, _so_ badly.

Harry felt like he had been used for pleasure, that all this time those kisses were meaningless. So he sobbed, crying over some stupid boy that was his best friend for five years. A stupid boy who he's been touring with for four years. A stupid boy who he's had a never-ending crush on.

Now, Harry has been transported back to that awful night. “A meaningless shag,” he utters out defeatedly. “That's all I was to you.”

Before he can hear Niall’s reply, he’s already running towards the door, his heartbeat thumping hard in his ears. _He needs to get out_.

 

>

 

Harry has always been emotional, always wears his heart on his sleeve. The fans have caught on, of course, to his fondness of certain band members. They all think it's Louis, but Harry can't remember the last time they've done anything other than talk on stage. It's not like they can; some fans will just think they're gay and dating each other! It's ridiculous, but the majority of the fanbase haven't caught on to NiallandHarry.

And that's what they've always been: NiallandHarry. The fans know that.

So when _NiallandHarry_ suddenly becomes _Niall and Harry_ , it doesn't take much for someone to realize that something’s gone wrong. It's been a two months since the wedding, and every single time the two happen to be at the same place, they leave before they can see each other.

An endless cycle, but the dreaded day has come; Harry has to go and see Louis and Freddie… With Liam and _Niall_. He's excited to see Liam, of course, but Harry can think of a million things he'd rather be doing than seeing Niall in person.

Now, he's knocking on Briana Jungwirth’s apartment door.

“Finally,” Louis scoffs as he sees Harry's face when opening the door. “Niall and Liam got here hours ago.”

“That doesn't matter,” Harry says, rolling his eyes; his nervousness and anxiety is slowly being replaced by anticipation, he's seeing Freddie for the first time! “Let me see the little l—”

“Don't call him _little lad_ ,” Louis scowls, shoving Harry into the apartment. “To you, he can only be addressed by ‘Little Tommo’, ‘King Tomlinson Jr.’, or his name. Whichever you want, but I'm sure the baby likes ‘King Tomlinson Jr.’ the best.”

“I'll stick with Freddie,” Harry says with a laugh and almost squeals when he sees Liam holding Freddie on the living room’s large white leather couch. From Harry’s view, Liam’s mumbling some words or singing a song to the infant.

“Adorable,” Louis says with a smile and a fond look on his face.

“I can't even play with him because Liam’s singing him a lullaby of death!” Harry complains petulantly. 

“The baby’s sleepy, you twat,” Louis says, slapping his shoulder. “Niall’s in the bedroom, if you want to talk to him. He's talking with Ellie on the phone.”

_Ellie, what the hell?_

“Hey, Louis—” Niall’s voice appears out of nowhere. Harry can see him walking from a room and into the living room. His expression instantly changes when Harry meets his eyes.

“Harry’s here,” Louis interrupts, looking at both of them. _He's obviously completely obvious to the whole situation_ , Harry thinks, _because he's looking back and forth at us waiting for us to do anything_.

“Can I hold Freddie?” Harry asks, breaking the silence walking over to the couch to Liam. He promises that he will not waste this time at Briana’s apartment pining for Niall.

Liam nods, softly placing the small baby in Harry’s arms. He cradles the head, then grips the body firmly but gently to keep Freddie from waking. He is wearing a small striped shirt(with a football right in the middle because Louis has said multiple times that _Freddie Tomlinson_ will be the next world-renowned football player) with little white pants. His feet have white socks on them, and when Harry looks up, he can see Louis grinning.

“You're so good with him,” Louis coos, and Harry grins, rocking the baby back and forth tenderly.

“Yeah, you are,” Niall says quietly. There's something in his voice, but Harry can't tell. Niall is an impossible puzzle, Niall is a book with thousands of pages and invisible words. Every look he gives Harry is a dozen more puzzle pieces and a dozen more pages.

 

>

 

“Ellie, are you fucking kidding?”

Louis, Liam and Briana have gone out with Freddie to some restaurant, but Briana only made a reservation for three. Unfortunately for Harry, the moment he volunteered to stay back, Niall said the same.

So now, he was standing up in front of Niall, who was sitting on the couch on his phone. The blond looks up and squints at Harry.

“What about her?” he asks innocently. _He’s such a twat!_

“You…,” Harry begins, taking a deep breath. He can't get too mad, it'll show Niall that he cares even now. “You should've told us.”

“I've posted it on my Instagram about a hundred times, think you would've noticed by now. Tweeted at her, tweeted about her, seriously, have you been on any social media lately?”

“I just…,” Harry starts but trails off. Of course Harry knew, he just hasn't confronted Niall about it until now. “Thought you guys were hanging or something, not shagging. Excuse me for not assuming every woman you talk to is immediately your lover.”

“Yes, because I'd post a photo of who I'm not shagging and caption with a single heart emoji,” Niall remarks, rolling his eyes at Harry’s oblivious actions. “I never caption photos like that,” he adds.

Harry rubs his arms, then wraps himself in them. He promised before he even got here that he wasn't going to cry; he was not going to make a fool out of himself yet again over Niall James Horan. That has happened too many times already, but now, it's inevitable.

Unrequited love is dying without being buried six feet below. Wanting something you can never have, pining for someone who can never be yours. If it's so awful, _why_ don't we stop pining? _Why_ don't we fall for someone else?

“I need you,” Harry chokes out. _That’s why._ He can't stop the tears now, his weak spot will always be his love for Niall. “You're so blind, Niall!”

“Don't you think I've noticed that you're actually in love with me?” Niall almost shouts, gripping his fists. “Don't you think I saw that look at your face when I walked out the door that night? You look drained, defeated, and I did that to you. I don't know what you were expecting, for me to love you back?”

“Why did you sleep with me in the first place, then?” Harry exclaims. His knees buckle beneath him and he's sunken to the wooden floor, his sobs wracking through his own body. _You're acting like a fool, Harry. You're letting him get to you, that's what you get for loving. This is your punishment._ His own thoughts swirl in his head, jamming his subconscious’ voice into his ears. _Love is a punishment._

“I don't know,” Niall answers quietly, and Harry looks up at him from the ground, only to see Niall on the ground right in front of him. “I don't like seeing you cry, regardless of the situation.”

He presses Harry’s head against his chest. Harry can hear his rapid heartbeat slow down as they sit on the ground longer. _Thump, thump, thump._

“I can feel your heartbeat,” Harry murmurs, and he feels it coming, when he starts saying all his thoughts aloud. _No, no, no._ “I can feel the beat against my ear. I can hear your shallow breathing, and I can feel your hands against my hair. I can feel your gaze, too, whether it's good or bad, it _feels_ good; I feel protected, like you're watching over me. Your eyes are so blue, of course everyone tells you this, but they're like an ocean. A beautiful, endless, serene ocean, Niall. I can practically hear the waves crashing against my legs and the sand. The water keeps me at ease. Your arms are strong, but they're gentle, like when I saw you hold Freddie. Your presence wraps me in warmth and comfort, you are my haven.”

 

>

 

When Harry opens his eyes, he's in a bedroom. By the looks of it, it's a spare because it wasn't as decorated as the other bedroom. He's tucked in a white duvet, his head resting against a matching white pillow. He looks to his left, and his phone and a clock is on a brown bedside table. The clock reads: _2:37AM_.

And Niall’s arms are around him again.

Harry doesn't want to move, he wants to stay in this moment, keep it on pause for the rest of his life. Niall’s chest to his back, the even breathing of Niall, _Niall being here_.

“You're awake,” Niall whispers, and Harry can feel him start to remove his arms. He grabs Niall’s arms, pulling them back around his body.

“Please just stay like this,” Harry mumbles. “Just for now.”

So Niall does.

 

>

 

When Harry wakes up again, Niall is gone, and he's cold, even with the duvet wrapped around him.

 

>

 

Niall hasn't picked up.

Of course, it's _Harry_ texting him so why should he?

Harry needs to talk about what happened at Briana’s place, all that he said, that was too much. All the things that he had wanted to say to the beautiful blond spilled out that day, and Harry feels the horrible feeling of regret resting in his stomach.

“Hello?” _Finally._

“It's Harry,” he starts, gulping and biting his lip.

“Yeah, I have caller ID.” Harry can imagine Niall rolling his eyes.

“I…,” Harry starts, pausing. He's suddenly aware of how sweaty his palm is against his phone. “I want to talk—”

“—about last night?” Niall interrupts. “Yeah, I figured. What is there to say about it?”

“I said too much, and—”

“—and you already said, so you can't wipe my mind or something. Personally, I think you said just enough. It was obviously on your mind, what you've always wanted to tell me. Now you've said it, and I still don't understand what's there to talk about.”

“Niall, shut up!” Harry says, a burst of anger rushing through him. “Let me talk!” No answer. “Finally, God. It's obvious that I love you, but I'm tired of crying over you.”

“Then stop crying over me,” Niall says bluntly. _It's not that simple._

“Every single time I see, I want to cry a swimming pool. You make me the happiest I can be but you have the potential to destroy me. I don't like that you have that impact, but _I love you._ You couldn't have slept with me just because, Niall!”

“Forget that night!” Niall shouts into the phone, and Harry is surprised by his abrupt anger. “It meant nothing, for fuck’s sake! You were just a _hole_ that night, so stop making a big deal about it!”

Then Niall hangs up.

 

>

 

The hiatus ended three weeks ago, and the boys were only a few days before the beginning of the tour. Harry looks over the setlist for the umpteenth time, humming the songs. End of the Day is first, and History is last.

_We can live forever._

The words echo around in his mind, the promise that the band had made the fans at the beginning of their hiatus.

He hasn't said more than two sentences since they've seen each other again; it's like every single time they see each other, it's a repeat of the last time.

“Hyped up, lads?” Louis says excitedly. The four are at restaurant, and Niall is sitting in front of Harry. Every time they make eye contact, one of them quickly glances away.

It's awkward.

“So, Niall,” Liam says. “You're quiet for once, and Louis has even made a dad joke for the first time! You didn't even crack a smile, what's wrong with you?”

“Yeah, you and Harry,” Louis agrees. “You both have been off ever since the hiatus ended. Do… Do you guys not want to tour or something?”

“No!” Harry and Niall both say quickly. _No one needs a repeat of the talk Zayn gave them._

“Fuck no,” Niall says. “I'm just feeling out of it lately, just can't wait to see the fans again.”

“Yeah,” Harry says with a nod. Louis squints at them. Please believe us.

“Alright,” Liam starts before Louis can question anything else. “Just be in a good mood for the first venue, I want the fans to be hyped up for our first concert back.”

“I think we all want that,” Niall breathes out, and all Harry can do is agree.

 

>

 

“You two both need to grow up!” Liam exclaims when they're backstage. “Whatever you guys are going through, suck it up or resolve it! It's affecting our performances.” They've just finished their sixth venue of the tour, and Niall and Harry that night were just _awful_. Their performance was good, of course, except for the hundred times they messed up lyrics. The fans didn't care, Harry could tell, because they were laughing and singing along to the incorrect lyrics anyways. They haven’t even acknowledged each other let alone harmonize or interact on stage, and fans on Twitter have been exploding.

**_i watched this whole gig on youtube bc it’s narry’s fav city, what is this?!_ **  
**_the interactions between all the boys were shit this venue wonder what's happening_ **  
**_I’m a larrie but what the hell is going on between my fav bromance_ **

What _is_ going on?

Harry has already confessed his love to the blond, and Niall has made it quite obvious he doesn't want Harry.

It's pathetic, what they're doing, both boys too stubborn to make the first move.

 

>

 

There’s a heavy silence in the hotel room, screaming with emotions even without sound. Harry is sitting on a chair in front of a table, and Niall is sitting on the couch. Liam and Louis had forced the two to be in a room together(“Paps reasons!” Bullshit).They're both mindlessly going through their feeds on social media.

Harry's full of frustration. Frustrated over the fact that he _knows_ that Niall likes him(at least, he hopes Niall does—why would Niall sleep with him in the first place? He says that it was just sex, but Harry's a guy, and Niall can't take back all the kisses they shared prior to that night). Frustrated that Niall is lying. Frustrated that Niall won't admit it. Frustrated at Niall’s stubbornness.

_Niall is so frustrating._

“Say something!” Harry says angrily, gripping his fists. He's already placed his phone on the table, and he's standing in front of Niall now. “Admit it!”

“Admit what?” Niall says, and Harry realizes how loud his voice is.

“You like me Niall, more than a friend and—”

“Shut up, Harry,” Niall says, in the same tone as before, surprisingly. “You're being so ignorant right now, I don't like you. The feelings that you have for me aren't the same vice versa, you just have to accept that, you twat.”

Then Niall tears his eyes away from Harry and looks down again, turning on his phone again.

“You're being obstinate,” Harry says flatly. Niall doesn't reply.

After a few minutes(which feels like hours), Harry shouts, “You're so stupid!” Maybe he sounds like a five year-old right now, but Niall hurts him. He needs Niall to know that.

_You hurt me, Niall Horan. You're the bittersweet obstacle in my life. I need you here, but I hate that I need you._

Niall makes a noise; _was that… is he crying?_

“I-I'm scared,” Niall says, and Harry can hear the break in Niall’s voice. “I'm scared to be gay, Harry.” _He’s breaking down._ “I don't want to be different than everyone else, I want to be Niall Horan. I want to be different, but not that different. Same as everyone else, but _different_.”

“There's nothing wrong with being gay, Niall,” Harry says softly.

“I know that,” he replies with a choked sound. “I know I sound like a homophobic ass right now, I'm not. I'm terrified of being gay, all the consequences that come with it. Sounds weird coming from me, a member of the biggest boy band in the world who has scandals about them on the front of every magazine every other week. I don't want to be gay, Harry. I can’t, I can't, I can't…”

“It's going to be okay,” Harry whispers, and he's kneeling in front of Niall now. The blond’s head and face are in his hands, but Harry can see the redness. “You'll be fi—”

“I'm not going to be fine! Being gay for other, sure, it's great; but for me? My body is shaking with nerves, Harry. My breathing’s rapid, my heartbeat is in my throat. Everything that's happening in me, I can feel it.”

“You're going to be fine,” Harry repeats, pushing Niall's face up to meet his.

Finally— _finally_ —, their lips meet in a kiss. Harry sighs as he feels niall’s hands reach up to gently grab the side of his face. There's nothing sexual about the kiss, it's just their lips joining in a sweet kiss. They move their mouths back and forth until they're numb.

“We’re going to be fine, right?” Niall whispers when they part. Harry nods happily, joining them in another kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I love feedback, so please drop a comment down below! tumblr : findherinthekingdom


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